An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?," he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of whiskeys and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

I was just wetting my fingers

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty".

He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in
my book!"

I did. You're back at work on Monday

After the annual Office Party Blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what I did last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted the Regional Director to his face."

"He's an asshole, I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" yelled John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

keep your nose clean and never screw up

A couple was having problems with their sex life so they went to a counselor.

He asked what the problem was and the wife said, "My husband
won't go down on me nor will he let me be on top."

The marriage counselor then asked the man why.

The guy says, "Because, before my father died he said, 'Son, promise me two things, that you will always keep your nose clean and never screw up'."

You want that bridge two lanes or four?

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK! You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel! No, think of another wish."

The man said, "OK" and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they
give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'; know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

That's once

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once!"

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice!"

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once!"

buy me a $200 bicycle for my birthday

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too.

"And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

I already wrote it out by hand

A husband and wife were very considerate of their children, so they referred to sex as the typewriter. One day, the father says to his daughter, "Go tell your mother I'd like to use her typewriter tonight."

The obedient daughter does as he says.

The mother replies, "Tell daddy that there is a red ribbon in the typewriter, but I will type his letter next week."

The daughter obeys. A week later the mother tells the daughter to tell her father she would type his letter.

The father says, "Tell your mother not to worry about it. I already wrote it out by hand..."

It's not even out of the crate yet!

A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. He goes to the hospital and the doctor says, "We're going to have to put a splint on that."

The guy says, "No way, Doc! I'm getting married in a week."
The doctor replies, "Well, if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life."

Finally, the guy agrees and the doctor gets out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up.

A week later, and he's on his honeymoon. His new wife is doing a seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these? They've never been touched by a man before."

She then takes off her panties and says, "See this? It's never been seen by a man before."

Seizing his opportunity, the husband whips off his shorts
and says, "See this? It's not even out of the crate yet!"

stand back and watch the expression on his face

FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

DAUGHTER: "O.K."

Later.......

DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

Oh, it's just a statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she
said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby
oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked
it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later
that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of
bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later
with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I
stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and
nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Is there anything else your wife doesn't use

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about...

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

"She was barefooted so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

"Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you know.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

Do you always wear a condom when you run?

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

lies to each other

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

She is speaking in a cheery voice: "Hello? Oh, Hi!I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful! I am so happy for you... That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye!"

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about
the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you!"