I Quit Drinking
Every afternoon this guy goes into the bar
and orders 4 shots of scotch at the same time, then proceeds to
drink them all. One day the bartender asks him why he orders all
4 at once and the guy replies that he has 3 brothers who do the
same thing every day at the same time so that they can all have
a drink together no
matter where they are. One day the guy comes in and only orders
3 shots. Well the bartender thinking the worst asks the guy if one
of his brothers had passed away. The guy laughs and says "No it's
me, I quit drinking."
*********
After dying this cat walked up to the Pearly Gates where he met
St Peter. St Peter says to the cat, "During your time on earth,
you were a good little cat. You kept your masters house & barn
free of pests, and for this faithful service, you get one wish for
anything you would particularly like. The cat thinks for a moment
before replying, "Well, my master had this satin pillow that I loved,
so I would like a satin pillow just like that one. St Peter replies,
"Go on through you'll find it waiting." A little while later a group
of field mice appear at the Pearly Gates. St Peter greets them saying,
"During your time on earth you were good little field mice. You
kept the other pests from destroying the farmers crop, so as a reward
you may have anything you like in heaven." The field mice converse
briefly before one steps forward and says,"The farmers children
had roller skates, and they looked like a lot of fun, so that's
what we'd like." St Peter replies, "Go on through you 'll find them
waitng." A while later St Peter was strolling through Heaven when
he came across the cat who was sitting on his satin pillow purring
contentedly. "So how are you enjoying Heaven?" St Peter inquired.
"Oh, it's wonderful," answered the cat, "This pillow is just divine,
even better than the one I had in Earth, and the Meals on Wheels,
*kisses his paw* Nice Touch."
*********
There was a blonde driving down a road in her brand new, green
Mustang. She was driving behind a big semi, she wanted to drive
faster (because it was a new sports car and everything), so she
started to get right on the semi's tail. This angered the semi driver,
he motioned for the blonde to pull over. They both pulled over
and the semi driver got out of his truck and drew a big cirle on
the road with his chalk. He told the blonde to stand in the middle
of the circle until he told her to get out. She did as she was told.
The semi guy started to beat up the brand new Mustang! He beat
it up until it was only a big heap of green metal. He turns to the
blonde and says, "So what do you have to say to that?" She
replies with laughter. He screams at her, "What are you laughing
at?" "Well," she answers, "When you weren't looking I stepped
out of the circle!"
*********
Ways to tell you've been drinking too much:
1. Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of
glass
2. That damn pink elephant followed you home again
3. You're as jober as a sudge
4. The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering
5. You fall off the floor
6. You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up
*********
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family
here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they
wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing
machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and
I
haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days
the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to
send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to
send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I
don't
know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was
already sealed. |
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