An 80-year-old man was having his annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Uh oh!"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"As a matter of fact, I do!"

"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your of sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man asked, "Which half, the LOOKING or the THINKING?"

play magic

A guy walks up to a girl in the bar and asks her if she wants to play magic.

She asks, "How so?"

He replies, "We go to my house, we screw and then you disappear!"

you were the only one here with brakes

A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.

He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke!

The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"

The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming! I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"

swap partners for sex

A married couple on the farm are visited by an alien couple. The alien couple asked the human couple if they would like to swap partners for sex.

They agree, the human woman and alien man are together. She says, "You have a small penis!"

The alien man replies, "pull my ears!"

So she pulls his ears and his penis becomes larger. She is astonished and has the best sex of her life.

When the human couple come back together, she asked him how was it.

He replies, "It was great, but my ears are just killing me!"

passion for baked beans

Once there was a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always provoked an embarrassing reaction. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this."

So he gave up beans. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he had several helpings.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, sat him at the table and made him promise not to peek. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to peek and went to the phone.

While she was gone, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was loud and ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. While keeping an ear tuned in on the wife and staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for talking so long she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE"!!

To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember, exactly, um, ... Peter Peter, something or other...."

Two whales

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male sees the whaling ship that killed his father.

Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales!"

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the ship has sunk, the male whale notices sailors making their way back to shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.

Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore! Let's go gobble them up!"

The female whale becomes less cooperative, and declares: "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember, exactly, um, ... Peter Peter, something or other...."

I couldn't walk for a year

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
I couldn't walk for a year!"

And what if I swallow it

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave he has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow, like everyone else does!"

So I just switched the heads

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the
black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.

"So I just switched the heads!"

four nuns at confessional

One day there was four nuns at confessional. The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how. She said, "I saw a man's private part."

He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts."

He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to put my mouth in the holy water after she sits in it!"

I'll try

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.

"He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Well it tasted like shrimp

A dead woman comes into the morgue and a man starts to examine her and he notices a shrimp sticking out of her snatch.

He runs upstairs and tells his boss that there is a jumbo shrimp sticking out of Mrs. McGruder's snatch!

His boss follows him down into the morgue and pulls
back the sheets and says, "You jerk! That's not a shrimp; that's her clit!!!"

"Well it tasted like shrimp!" replied the other.

My butt still hurts

A boy comes running home from school and he says to his mom, "Mommy, I just lost my virginity!"

His mom sent him to his room and said, "Wait until your father deals with you."

His father comes home and his mom tells him every thing. He goes to his son's room and congratulates him and, for a present, he said: "Why don't we get you that new bike. You can ride it right away! "

The boy said, "Can we wait 'til tomorrow. My butt still hurts!"

Hickory dickory dock

There was a lady that wanted larger breasts, so she went to Dr.Smith and asked him how she could enlarge her breasts.

The doctor said, "Every morning, when you awake, stand up and say, 'Scobbie doobie doobie I want bigger boobies!"

So the lady did. Every morning she woke up and would stand in front of the mirror and say, "Scoobie doobie doobie I want bigger boobies!"

After about a month, her breasts were a lot bigger -- leaving her happy and proud. Then one morning she woke up late and had to rush out of the house to get to work. She got on the bus and realized she forgot the magic morning ritual.

So she stood up on the bus and said, "Scoobie doobie doobie I want bigger boobies."

A man across from her came over and said, "Do you go see Dr. Smith?"

"How do you know that?," she asked.

"I go see him too," he said, "but I say, 'Hickory dickory dock'..."

I'll bet your an anesthesiologist

At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eye-balling each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. When she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon."

She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I'll bet your an anesthesiologist."

"Wow, how did you guess?"

Female Doctor, "I didn't feel a thing."

I'm Cess

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.

"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

you would have found the gravy ladle by now

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the two than met the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest.

It read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do 'sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Cleanup at the checkout

A 60-year-old man walked into a drugstore and asked the girl at the checkout, "Do you have condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?," she said, to which he responded, "I'm not really sure."

"Well, just let me check," she said, walking around the counter. She unzipped his pants, took a feel and then picked up the microphone.

"Extra-large condoms to checkout."

A stockboy brought the condoms and the man paid and left. A while later, a 30-year-old man walked up to the checkout. "Do you sell condoms here?" he asked.

"Sure, but size do you need?," she said, to which he said, "Well, I don't know."

"Well, just let me check." She unzipped his pants, took a couple of tugs and then picked up the microphone, "Large condoms to the checkout."

The stockboy brought the condoms, the man paid and left.

Later, a 16-year-old came into the store. "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" he asked the girl.

"Yep," she said, "what size do you need?"

"I don't know," he replied. She unzipped his zipper for a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Cleanup at the checkout, please. Cleanup at the checkout!"

this is the last time I am showing you!

A lonely woman is looking for an unusual pet. The pet store owner brings her a frog and says, "This frog has been trained to perform cunnilingus. Just $500.00!"

The woman buys the frog, takes it home, lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog does nothing. The woman angrily returns to the pet store and complains about the frog's non-performance.

"Show me what you did," says the pet store owner. So the woman lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog just sits there.

The pet store owner moves over to the woman, puts his face between her legs, and yells to the frog, "All right, you little bastard, this is the last time I am showing you!"

I don't know but I just called him precious

A southern bell goes to New York on vacation. Upon her return she has tea with friends.

"Did you know that in New York city there are guys that go
out with other guys?" she tells them.

"What are they called?"

"They are called homosexuals! And, did you know that, in New
York City, there are girls that go out with other girls?"

"And what are they called?"

"They are called lesbiens. And in New York City they have GUYS that will kiss you down there!"

"And what do they call them!" he friends replied.

"I don't know but I just called him precious!"

Becky is on their porch reporting activities too

John and Karen thought the only way to pull off a Saturday afternoon quickie was to send their son on the porch and report the daily activities.

The son said, "A red car went down the street... someone got their newspaper... and it looks like the Anderson's are screwing."

Startled John and Karen shot up in bed. His father said, "Why do you say that?"

"Becky is on their porch reporting activities too," he replied

I would own all of that if I HAD a pussy

A man is sitting at a bar and says to the bar tender, "I'm horny, do you know where I could get some good lovin'?"

The bar tender replies, "Sure upstairs, two doors on the right."

So the man walks up to the second door on the right and in the middle of the room stood a beautiful hooker. He asked her, "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker answered, "$25!"

He said in astonishment, "Damn, you must be good for that price!"

The hooker said, "Look outside: see that apartment, I bought that with all of the hand jobs I have given."

The man paid and got a hand job. When the hooker was done he asked, "How much for a blow job?"

The hooker answered, "$50!"

The man again replied, "Damn, you must be good for that price!"

The hooker stood up and said, "Look outside: see that car, I bought that with all of the blow jobs I have given."

So the man again paid and got his blow job. When the hooker was done he asked, "How much for a little pussy?"

The hooker stood up once again looking outside and said, "Look outside: see that city, I would own all of that if I HAD a pussy!"

Put me down for Wednesday

A man's wife is not feeling good. She goes to doctor after doctor and nobody knows what is wrong with her. Finally, they go to this one doctor who says to her, "I know exactly whats wrong with you" and tells her to have sex three times a week.

The lady was so happy - she could not believe that was the problem. She tells the doctor that her husband is in the waiting room - "Could you please tell my husband what you just told me!"

Sure, and he calls him in and the doctor tells him,
"I know what's wrong with you wife. She must have sex three times a week."

The husband: "What days do you recommend."

"Monday, Wednesday and Friday," responds the doctor.

"Put me down for Wednesday," says the husband

If your penis is as hard as your elbow

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Never stick a lit light bulb in your mouth

A teacher asked her young charges about lit light bulbs. She asked if they had any advice for using a lit light bulb safely.

A little boy raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, "Never stick a lit light bulb in your mouth."

The teacher said, "That is very good advice. Where did you learn that?"

The little boy replied, "Well, last night I heard my mom say to my dad, 'Turn the light out before you put that thing in my mouth!'"

Got to Stay! Stay! Stay!

Santa Clause comes down the chimney at the house of a hooker. She greets him as she wears a red, sleak night out-fit. She says, "Won't you stay?"

Santa replies, "I have to Go! Go! Go! I can't stay, otherwise millions of children will not get their toys on Christmas Day!"

So the hooker removes her outfit, leaving on just a bra and panties.

Santa replies, "I have to Go! Go! Go! I can't stay, otherwise millions of children will not get their toys on Christmas Day!"

So the hooker takes of her bra and panties.

Santa replies, "Got to Stay! Stay! Stay! I can't get up the chimney with my member this way!"

I'll just wait until somebody purchases them

A lady walks into a pharmacy (chemist) and asks if they sell extra large condoms.

The chemist replies, "Yes they are just over there".

She thanks him and stands there near them.

"Would you like a packet", the chemist asks.

The lady replies, "No that's fine. I will just wait until somebody purchases them!"

Tight,huh?

A man had a date with a girl. They started making out. She told him to put his finger in her pussy. He did this, and then she tells him to put two fingers in. He does this and then she says to put all four fingers inside her.

She is moaning with pleasure and he thinks things are going well. She then tells him to put his whole hand inside her. He does this, and then she says to make a fist. He does this and she keeps moaning louder and louder.

Then she says for him to put his other hand inside her. He does this. She then says for him to clap his hands. He tries with all his might but he can't do it.

She looks at him and says "Tight, huh?"

the little old lady's fart

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they didn't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back and see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back to the doctor. "Doctor," she says "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly."

"Good" the doctor said, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

GO SCREW YOURSELF

What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on vacation?

"GO SCREW YOURSELF!"